A Struggle with Grace: Part 3

We watched the cycle of abuse from the top floor of our house roll through a few times. We were scared, and felt totally out of control and out of options. Gradually the storm that was permanently brewing began to pull us in. They aimed their dysfunction towards us and both became more hostile as the weeks went by.

I'm leaving a lot of details out here, because frankly, this story isn't about them-- thought they certainly caused a lot of stress.

I aimed my anger towards God. I still hadn't healed from my past wounds, and now God was letting us be in harms way, with TWO kids in the picture!

"God, has abandoned me!" I hoarsely whispered at Jonathan hot tears burning down my face. "He is NOWHERE to be found in this!" The laptop screen I was gripping cracked as I emphasized the word "nowhere."

I was such a mess, I felt so hopeless, and I couldn't even switch the laundry without fearing what would happen!

There were new stresses in my relationship with Jonathan that were brought out in this period. Things I never thought would even be a "thing," but pregnancy plus life stress does CRAZY things to people.

Publicly, I'm think I'm great at putting on a happy face. But it's really Jonathan that gets to see my junk fall out. I can't say I completely lost faith through any of these times, but I'd say I was definitely running on fumes. Imagine driving a truck up a mountain on fumes... not recommended.

Things escalated to the point we had to leave our house. They had crossed a line of safety, and if you and I were in person, I'd tell what exactly what happened... but because this is internet and I haven't consulted a lawyer, I'm keeping it offline.

We had to leave, and they couldn't know where were going.

I was relieved, but now we were homeless, it was Christmas time, and I was going to have a baby any day.

Some dear friends opened up a place for us to stay indefinitely until we could find a new rental. I guess we'd do better homework on the neighbors next time...

Verity was born December 17, in a hospital in the North part of the island, a week after we had left our house. She was beautiful and absolutely perfect; the most peaceful and content baby I've ever met. She was an actual miracle.

Our church hosted an event call "Journey to Bethlehem" that year. I attended with 2 day old Verity and very energetic almost 2 year old. The story of Mary and Joseph needing a place to stay with their not-born-yet baby hit me RIGHT between the eyes. They weren't abandoned, that was clear to see! God had a master plan that they were walking out in spite of the uncertainty!

Maybe I could find a reason to connect with God one more time. I HAD to! I knew I couldn't do this mom thing on my own! God, I just need to heal, I feel so sore!

After a month staying at our temporary home, a place opened up that would fit us well. We did our homework, asked A LOT of questions and felt peace about moving forward.

Verity was 1 month old when we moved in.