A Struggle with Grace: The Introduction

This is the beginning of a long story. It’s nothing very special, but it’s my story. If life is like a patch work quilt,random bits of yarn and fabric sew together in random places, this is how I see the parts of my life attached.

I've been blessed over and over by the lives of my three beautiful children. My pregnancies were medically uneventful and very smooth. Deliveries of each of them were quick, requiring little to no interventions. My firstborn's birth story is actually right here on this blog.

I've had people tell me how strong they see me to be, "What a supermom!" They might be just being kind or trying to be sincerely encouraging, but I need to tell the truth, and get the dirt out from under the rug.

Each pregnancy has brought out my worst and weakest parts. Parts of me that are broken, deceived, not even able to be properly filtered, and better left cropped out of the picture of who I am. I am absolutely pathetic, if I didn't have CONSTANT, NEVER ENDING reminders of who my God is, and how GREATLY he loves me.

Each experience has changed me. I couldn’t know the things I would know the next day, but with each event I’ve experienced, my hope has been that I’ve become wiser and more graceful as time goes on.

Here is the first part.

That One Time I tried carrying Santa's Toy Bag

Have you ever written a list of everything you’d ever want?

Last year, I was challenged to write out a list of 50 dreams I have for my life. I had never done anything like this, and ended up being able to clearly see some priorities I had to help to me make some important decisions.

But something funny happened to this list. It turned into my imaginary Santa’s Toy Bag, but instead of him carrying it, I started dragging it with me everywhere I went, and into every conversation I had. Worse yet, I didn’t even REALIZE I had this clunky thing with me!

As we press into a life of bravery, we have to be aware of the baggage we are carrying. Do you ever see the hero(ine) in a movie running to the rescue while carrying a monstrous load with them or trying to juggle it while they deal with the “bad guy?”  NO! To experience our life to the fullest, our minds must be clear and our arms empty so we can be ready for whatever comes!

I felt challenged to write out the things I had in my bag, and then give it to someone who can carry it.

Are you carrying anything? Friend, please take time to write it out, and join me by praying the prayer I did.

Jesus, I give you this list of stuff. It’s been a really heavy burden to bear and it’s made me feel so inadequate. It’s defeated me. I don’t want to carry it around anymore, so I’ going to let you have it. Please, give me your good and perfect gifts. Give me strength to be gentle, Give me patience to be living. Give me joy so I can fully live.

Ain't nobody got time fo' baggage!

I felt a tangible lightening of my load when I gave it away. Oh the joy! I can be sure that my heavenly father has good things for me. 

I Corinthians 2:9 says, ‘What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him,” and there’s no way I wanna miss all that for a bag of junk! 

Conscious Scrolling

Imagine-- a colorless dirty concrete wall, stretching as far as the eye can see. Smoothly slabbed making climbing impossible even for spiderman. Now, you notice there is a tiny hole, rectangular in shape, just at eye level, giving just enough space to peer through and possibly even hear noise from on the opposite side.

Now imagine a lone figure dwarfed by the vast wall, peeking through the window, squinting to take in as many details as possible. This character can see people walking by, coming and going about their daily tasks. Consuming anything that can be seen or heard, sometimes it's bits and pieces of conversations that can be heard about various parts of their lives and matters of importance.

This scene goes on for hours, days, finally months and even years. The lone figure finally settles to sleep near the hole just to be able to catch a glimpse into the minutia of these strangers lives.

Why Is this Post Here?

It's been some time since I've shared in this forum, but the time has come to return again and I surge forward with conviction and anticipation. Let me explain...

Who am I now?

Sometimes the best way to feel familiar with a person is to know where they are heading, to learn what their intended destination is. Here are a few clues that I can provide.. they are a bit lofty and perhaps even too "ambitious" to make reading further unbearable, but nonetheless it's generally what I have installed as a compass and guide for how I attempt to proceed.

My Dream:

To make the world a better place

My Hope:

To be inspirational and encouraging 

Daily Ambition:

To become better than I was the day before, loving those in my path well, listening well, and taking appropriate action when needed

The troublesome and tiring REALITY is that I completely fail in these ideals everyday. Truth is, I'm not sure why I don't LOWER the bar so at least I could claim some level of success throughout a day. Call me a hopeless optimist, but I just can't shake 'em.

So why am I back on the blog?

Well, earlier this summer I started a project and then ended up leaving it kinda just "hanging." But the truth is I'm still in the process of figuring out the next steps.

Basically, I started readed a book called 100 Days to Brave by Annie F. Downs on Facebook Live. It started as me just reading a day at a time, but then the videos morphed into what that day's reading was speaking to me personally. And then I hit "the wall." In my quest to become "brave" I lost courage, because I had caught a glimpse of who I am that I didn't like. It was a view of myself I didn't want the world to see, so frankly, I've been hiding..playing the part of the coward, wrestling with this idea for the past 3 months. How do I overcome this dragon to my courage while being true to myself in the process?

So here I am. Stepping out of the shadows, putting down my phone, and publically wrestling with this issue of bravery and real life.

Follow only if you dare...

Always Prepared

As I consider life, what's happened and how I'm perceiving things, I am in awe. I just have to tell you about what God has been doing in our lives, and how our faith continues to grow stronger and stronger. I am so EXCITED by what I see Him doing, and I pray that you too can see Him work in your life.

Walk in HIS will, and you will never be unprepared.

This is a truth I have discovered this year. As I spend last summer w.a.i.t.i.n.g. for a plan, a job, and a life he was preparing me for a very BUSY year of teaching kindergarten and internally growing a child. He knew I needed to be able to cling to him only as my identity instead of a job or title. I had to learn to be "Jennifer, daughter of the King of Kings" instead of any other earthly title. It was an incredibly grueling year of learning the endless list of acronyms in the Hawaii Department of Education (HIDOE) (don't believe me? Click here, seriously, take a look), figuring out how to piece together broken curriculum to match the new state standards, learning about the intricacies of a kindergartners development, and communicating clearly with co-teachers and parents. I LOVED it. I was incredibly fulfilled, and never once questioned whether or not I was in the right place. Yes, I questioned whether I'd make it through the year, but I KNEW I was doing exactly what I was born to do.

Then, the scene abruptly changed with the birth of Micah. I didn't slow down much during my pregnancy, so to suddenly be mainly housebound for a month with a newborn, I felt like I had just switched lives with someone.

Again, I see how the Lord prepared me for a smooth transition into motherhood. I've loved babies and children and worked with them for my whole life. To go from 23 kiddos under my watch, to one precious part of me and my husband, I felt like I was on vacation! Just to hold my sweet baby and watch him sleep was the most joyful and fulfilling experience of my life so far. When I would wake to feed him during the night, I was deliriously filled with bubbling happiness knowing that right then, right there, he was my only concern and responsibility, and that is what I had been made for.

When I married Jonathan, I would constantly tell him how happy I was to be married to him, I felt such joy in the wonder of where we were in life. While I continue to tell him this (the bliss has never waned), I get to add my pleasure of being a mother to that little habit. Having babies is definitely a marital upgrade :) I am falling deeper in love with the man I married as I watch him talk to, read, change, and play with our baby boy while working to provide for our family in such a determined and steady manner. To see such a ferocious tenderness rolled into one is the most beautiful and intoxicating sight I've every personally witnessed.

Throughout the past year, I can clearly see in all the changes that have come that God has extravagantly prepared us in every way for each new step. I was so incredibly humbled by each person that gave to help prepare the world and our home for Micah. The Holy Spirit clearly told me one day that Jesus LOVES children SO MUCH that he will always make sure the way is made ready for their entrance into the world, and so the birth of son was heralded by generosity and love from around the globe. He is SUCH a GOOD Father.

As I've watch all these things unfold, I have been given a gift. I have been given an explainable peace in God's timing and perfect provision, even when things go awry, because, OH, even as smooth as the things I've mentioned seem like they've been, a WHOLE mess of things were not going the way I wanted them to.

It has been the messy times that try my patience that make me stronger to prepare me for the next phase of life. After it's over, I can then see God's hand in it all.

I've witnessed this process so many times, I'm beginning to get excited about life's challenges, because it's in those times that I witness miracles in my personal life. The miracle of myself letting go of my control and comfort, and leaning into the Holy Spirit harder than I have before. I still say this, because it's true. The peace and joy I consistently find in my life is worth every bit of "uncertainty" I see in my life.

Nana and Papa come to town!

Two weeks after our precious baby boy was born, Jonathan's mom and dad had a chance to fly out to meet him. It was so exciting to have them here in Hawaii for the first time. This is first time that both my parents and Jonathan's parents have spent time together since our wedding, so I know they were also looking forward to getting to know each other better. We got to do a little bit of sightseeing with them, and as usual their time here was anything but boring, but filled with joy of a new member of the family and the wonder that comes from such a beautiful place.

It was definitely exciting to travel with a newborn baby. It meant for lots of driving breaks, so we could feed, burp, or change the baby while we were traveling. For me, it was definitely a wonderful break from the monotony of being in the house all the time. It certainly was a blur as I reflect on that week, as all these things were so new to me, and I was (and am) still getting to know this little man!

It was fun to bring Rob and Theresa to some of our favorite places to dine. Micah is a great traveler. He slept through most of our stops, and seemed to love snoozing to the sounds of people talking. :)

The furthest place on the island we went to was Southpoint, which is the southernmost point of United States. The geography in this area is incredible with the cliffs and deep blue water below.There usually is a group of daredevils jumping in the water. On this particular day however, the conditions were extremely windy and a bit chilly

.

I was really impressed with Jonathan when we took his parents on a tour of the University of Nations campus. He walked them all around explaining the history and purpose of each building, I even learned a lot that day.

This was our first family outing to the beach. We took them to our favorite place Kua Bay. It is certainly one of the most picturesque beaches locally. I think it is safe to say they were having a really good time. :-)

On another day, we went to the northern part of the island so they could see the Pololu Valley.

He LOVES the Ergo Carrier. I highly recommend baby wearing.
Even on his fussiest days, this would immediately calm him.

Just seemed like a dream that our sweet baby
was finally with us!

We scoped our the Petroglyphs in Waikoloa. Here's more info. 

On Easter Sunday, we had the privilege of dedicating Micah to Jesus. It was such a special service, and so wonderful to have both sets of grandparents together. Here is the video if you'd like to watch!

 

We had such a wonderful time together. We were definitely spoiled by Rob and Theresa and Micah is sure to never forget all the love they gave him. 

We hope to see you in the near future. We love you so much!

Our Birth Story

Every mom has one. It's one of the most important days of her life as everything changes in just a moment
when her newborn baby is placed in her arms for the very first time.

There are just no words to describe the absolute joy
this little person has brought to our lives.

When I found out we were pregnant and figured out the due date, I resolved in my mind that baby would come whenever he decided he was ready. I didn't want to get stuck in a mental box of impatience at week 39 or 40 about the fact that he was taking too long, so I kept telling myself that he would come a week AFTER his projected due date. The first due date we figured was March 30, the second one (based on the ultrasound) was April 3, therefore I told myself that I wasn't going to hold my sweet baby until April 10.

I wanted everything to be as natural as possible. I wanted to labor at home, then go to the hospital during active labor so the baby could be delivered as soon as possible when we arrived. I didn't want to succumb to the temptation of pain relief via epidural.

Meet Braxton Hicks

It was spring break and I finally was getting the rest my hugely pregnant body craved, well sorta.. I had 2 weeks until the due date and spring break was when I had to finalize substitute teacher plans, finish report cards (my teacher friends can sympathize), and clear the classroom of my belongings. My 1st day on leave would be April 1.  One day as I was embroidering coasters (I was still in the denial phase of procrastination), I felt my belly tighten up like I had never felt before. Weird, I thought.. 30 minutes later it happened again! Whoa! I waited, and sure enough it continued to happen every half hour through the next day. The next day, it went down to 10 minute intervals and I started to get excited. What if???  I kept thinking, even though this was technically 3 weeks before my self-given due date. I texted my doula to let her know, but strangely, I wasn't feeling any pain. Through the rest of Spring Break this continued, and my resolve to remain patient definitely wavered. The last night of Spring Break, I told Jonathan, "I want this baby out, I'm so done," after I had given him a hair cut while maneuvering around my protruding belly. Most people feel super tired and worn out at this point, but honestly I felt good, too good I worried. Maybe baby was just so comfortable in there he would never want to come out! The main side effect I was having was major heart burn, and my bones ached from the relaxin my body was producing to prepare for baby's birth., but I could (mostly) keep up with my kindergartners and stomp all over campus with no problem.

I had one more week of teaching left when I got back from Spring Break. I did NOT want to be there...Mentally, I was ready to be holding my baby. But I still had those report cards to finish, oh, and my principal was going to observe me for evaluations while I was 39 weeks preggo. BRING IT ON! Braxton Hicks continued, but I decided to mentally block it out and continue on, because THE SHOW MUST GO ON!

That week, I started feeling some twinges when I would wake up at night. I just figured it was because I was running out of room inside to house a baby and my organs. Would I even know a contraction when it came?

Week 40

The weekend of March 29 FINALLY arrived, but I had once again made peace with the April 10th date. Saturday morning I walked 2 miles to the beach so I could clear my head, pray, and journal. We did some grocery shopping that night, ate dinner, and went to bed.

I woke up around 3:45am (as per usual), and spent a little extra time in the bathroom (not so usual), and in the span of 15 minutes, had 3 tightening sensations accompanied with some pain. Wonder if this is it... I decided not to wake Jonathan because every one told me I would know when I was in labor, and at this point I didn't know anything.. But then when I had lain down for a few minutes, I felt it again, then again. I finally decided to say something, but then told him to go back to sleep because it might not be anything. About 30 minutes later OUCH! I had to get on my hands and knees. Ok, I'll tell Jonathan now...  And then I got sick into trash can.

Laboring

My mom helping me thru another contraction.

Jonathan was amazing. What an amazing comfort he was to me, giving me the space or counter pressure I needed. He had definitely been paying attention in our birth class :)  He called our doula, Amy, at 5:30, and by 6 she arrived. I believe labor is all about your body position and mental state. I wanted to be able to move freely and do whatever felt comfortable, because I knew these would be the most uncomfortable moments of my life thus far. My favorite position was on the couch on my knees with my arms over the back. Jonathan was on duty to apply counter pressure to my hips by pressing with his hands both sides of my hips in together during each contraction. Mentally, I would think of palm trees and count the fronds as I would breathe deeply and sometimes moan to get my focus off the pain and onto something else. My contractions remained between 4,5, and 6 minutes apart. Suddenly, I remembered I still had one more teaching day left before my long term sub was planning on being there. SHOOT! I needed a substitute teacher to cover for me! So there I was, in between 2 or 3 very intense contractions,  signing in online to put in a request for a sub the next day. Then back to the couch for more laboring. Amy figured that we may be heading to the hospital around 11ish based on the timing of my contractions. Around 830, I felt the urge to push... After it happened again, I told Amy and she was a bit surprised. She said, "Judging by your demeanor and the timing of your contractions, I'd still put you in "early active labor," but if you feel that, maybe we should think about leaving soon." I decided to wait and see if it came again before moving, but Jonathan started grabbing everything and loading up the car. Sure enough, in 2 contractions, I felt it again. So we moved out at 9:30 and it looked like our baby was coming on the original due date, March 30.

Literally seconds after Micah was delivered.
What an emotional picture!

The glorious afterglow of birth.

I still laugh at the image of myself climbing the stairs in full blown labor to leave our apartment. Boy, that was an uncomfortable cruise to the hospital. We arrived around 10, and I was trying to sign my name on waivers and papers while moaning breathing deeply in the wheelchair when the triage nurse told Jonathan to get me upstairs to the Labor and Delivery Unit. They gave me my room and gown and I assumed the kneeling position again. A nurse came into check me, assuming since I was a first time mom I'd have plenty of time, but I was 9 centimeters dilated with my bag of waters bulging since it hadn't broken yet. Amy leaned over and said, "This is it! Baby can come now!" and I knew I could finally push!

An hour later at 11:03 my baby boy was born. I fully opened my eyes for the first time in hours when the nurse plopped him in my arms as I gasped with joy, exhaustion, and pure love for the most beautiful little person I had ever seen in my life. Micah stayed completely alert for 2 hours as I got to hold him, nurse him for the first time, and tell him over and over how beautiful he is. It was pure bliss.

Amy, my wonderful doula

 I am so thankful that Amy was able to be there acting as doula. Just having her there for moral support knowing that she's helped so many women through their deliveries gave me such confidence to be able to have my baby the way I wanted. I'm not sure that we would have known when to leave for the hospital if she wasn't there and that would have been a blow to my confidence, weakening my mental resolve to stay calm. She was there to remind me to breath, relax, and remember that all these feelings were perfectly normal.

Altogether, I had a picture perfect delivery of Micah. I realize that I am so blessed to be able to say this. I got to experience the way God created women's bodies to make and deliver babies in the most beautiful way. For me it was all about just going with the flow, riding each wave of contractions until it was over, and breathing deeply through that process.

Jonathan bathing his baby boy

Getting weighed and measured holding grandpa's hand

Look at that proud daddy!