A Struggle with Grace: Part 1

Mom asked me the other day about the mental breakdown I had during my first pregnancy. I had never thought of it like that, but I could only imagine what it looked like and sounded like from the other side of things.

For some reason, my mind seems to take the brunt of the pregnancy tolls, and my emotions run EVERYWHERE. Some people get bed rest all 9 months, I get the hormones of a fire crazy female dragon. Things that I normally could reason through become unbearable burdens and punch holes in my will power, self control, and self image.

We were in a delicate place when we discovered the exciting news that we would be parents. We were living with my parents as we were getting our finances prepared after being full time volunteer missionaries for the past 6 month. I had waited all summer to hear back from the HI Department of Education to find out if I would have a job as a teacher, and the day after my job offer came, I found out everything else about our world would be changing as well with the arrival of a baby in the next year.

One Sunday morning, I screamed, howled, and wailed at my husband. I WOULD NOT be going to church that day, "You HAVE to tell me what your plans are for our lives!"

 Morning turned into evening and my tears turned to pouting. I was SO angry that God would dare let us live in this uncertainty. My anger left unresolved, grudges were inconvenient, so I just chose to ignore that day and live on.

Months later, we were living in our first place in Hawaii away from my parents. Thankful for some space to call our own (though we shared very close proximity to the neighbors), my hormones continued to swell and overwhelm me in a cocktail of fear and anxiety. I continued to work as a rookie Kindergarten teacher, trying to measure up to the ideals I had in my head from college days, but felt the crushing weight of exhaustion and the almost 50 pounds I had gained thanks to pregnancy.

One day near the very end of my 3rd trimester, Jonathan had come home later than I anticipated from a job he was working on. Our financial situation weighed HEAVILY on me, in spite of the fact that  miracles were happening for us with new legislation that made it possible for me to receive an entire year's salary even though I was missing the last 2 months of school. But I couldn't see past my red hot anger, and I allowed myself ride my hormonal roller coaster slotting myself to spew another round of insults, blame, yelling, and embarrassment that lead to the building manager knocking on our door to see if police needed to be called.

They weren't called.

I was mortified, horrified to find myself in this lonely place. Not even my husband could comfort me. I felt SO alone and so sat in a pit of self pity.

I had NO ONE to talk to... not even God, I was so bitter that he had placed us in this pot of misery.

FINALLY,  the baby was born and my angry hormones left. Surely joy could return again, and it did, for a while.

A Struggle with Grace: The Introduction

This is the beginning of a long story. It’s nothing very special, but it’s my story. If life is like a patch work quilt,random bits of yarn and fabric sew together in random places, this is how I see the parts of my life attached.

I've been blessed over and over by the lives of my three beautiful children. My pregnancies were medically uneventful and very smooth. Deliveries of each of them were quick, requiring little to no interventions. My firstborn's birth story is actually right here on this blog.

I've had people tell me how strong they see me to be, "What a supermom!" They might be just being kind or trying to be sincerely encouraging, but I need to tell the truth, and get the dirt out from under the rug.

Each pregnancy has brought out my worst and weakest parts. Parts of me that are broken, deceived, not even able to be properly filtered, and better left cropped out of the picture of who I am. I am absolutely pathetic, if I didn't have CONSTANT, NEVER ENDING reminders of who my God is, and how GREATLY he loves me.

Each experience has changed me. I couldn’t know the things I would know the next day, but with each event I’ve experienced, my hope has been that I’ve become wiser and more graceful as time goes on.

Here is the first part.

That One Time I tried carrying Santa's Toy Bag

Have you ever written a list of everything you’d ever want?

Last year, I was challenged to write out a list of 50 dreams I have for my life. I had never done anything like this, and ended up being able to clearly see some priorities I had to help to me make some important decisions.

But something funny happened to this list. It turned into my imaginary Santa’s Toy Bag, but instead of him carrying it, I started dragging it with me everywhere I went, and into every conversation I had. Worse yet, I didn’t even REALIZE I had this clunky thing with me!

As we press into a life of bravery, we have to be aware of the baggage we are carrying. Do you ever see the hero(ine) in a movie running to the rescue while carrying a monstrous load with them or trying to juggle it while they deal with the “bad guy?”  NO! To experience our life to the fullest, our minds must be clear and our arms empty so we can be ready for whatever comes!

I felt challenged to write out the things I had in my bag, and then give it to someone who can carry it.

Are you carrying anything? Friend, please take time to write it out, and join me by praying the prayer I did.

Jesus, I give you this list of stuff. It’s been a really heavy burden to bear and it’s made me feel so inadequate. It’s defeated me. I don’t want to carry it around anymore, so I’ going to let you have it. Please, give me your good and perfect gifts. Give me strength to be gentle, Give me patience to be living. Give me joy so I can fully live.

Ain't nobody got time fo' baggage!

I felt a tangible lightening of my load when I gave it away. Oh the joy! I can be sure that my heavenly father has good things for me. 

I Corinthians 2:9 says, ‘What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him,” and there’s no way I wanna miss all that for a bag of junk! 

Conscious Scrolling

Imagine-- a colorless dirty concrete wall, stretching as far as the eye can see. Smoothly slabbed making climbing impossible even for spiderman. Now, you notice there is a tiny hole, rectangular in shape, just at eye level, giving just enough space to peer through and possibly even hear noise from on the opposite side.

Now imagine a lone figure dwarfed by the vast wall, peeking through the window, squinting to take in as many details as possible. This character can see people walking by, coming and going about their daily tasks. Consuming anything that can be seen or heard, sometimes it's bits and pieces of conversations that can be heard about various parts of their lives and matters of importance.

This scene goes on for hours, days, finally months and even years. The lone figure finally settles to sleep near the hole just to be able to catch a glimpse into the minutia of these strangers lives.

Why Is this Post Here?

It's been some time since I've shared in this forum, but the time has come to return again and I surge forward with conviction and anticipation. Let me explain...

Who am I now?

Sometimes the best way to feel familiar with a person is to know where they are heading, to learn what their intended destination is. Here are a few clues that I can provide.. they are a bit lofty and perhaps even too "ambitious" to make reading further unbearable, but nonetheless it's generally what I have installed as a compass and guide for how I attempt to proceed.

My Dream:

To make the world a better place

My Hope:

To be inspirational and encouraging 

Daily Ambition:

To become better than I was the day before, loving those in my path well, listening well, and taking appropriate action when needed

The troublesome and tiring REALITY is that I completely fail in these ideals everyday. Truth is, I'm not sure why I don't LOWER the bar so at least I could claim some level of success throughout a day. Call me a hopeless optimist, but I just can't shake 'em.

So why am I back on the blog?

Well, earlier this summer I started a project and then ended up leaving it kinda just "hanging." But the truth is I'm still in the process of figuring out the next steps.

Basically, I started readed a book called 100 Days to Brave by Annie F. Downs on Facebook Live. It started as me just reading a day at a time, but then the videos morphed into what that day's reading was speaking to me personally. And then I hit "the wall." In my quest to become "brave" I lost courage, because I had caught a glimpse of who I am that I didn't like. It was a view of myself I didn't want the world to see, so frankly, I've been hiding..playing the part of the coward, wrestling with this idea for the past 3 months. How do I overcome this dragon to my courage while being true to myself in the process?

So here I am. Stepping out of the shadows, putting down my phone, and publically wrestling with this issue of bravery and real life.

Follow only if you dare...

Always Prepared

As I consider life, what's happened and how I'm perceiving things, I am in awe. I just have to tell you about what God has been doing in our lives, and how our faith continues to grow stronger and stronger. I am so EXCITED by what I see Him doing, and I pray that you too can see Him work in your life.

Walk in HIS will, and you will never be unprepared.

This is a truth I have discovered this year. As I spend last summer w.a.i.t.i.n.g. for a plan, a job, and a life he was preparing me for a very BUSY year of teaching kindergarten and internally growing a child. He knew I needed to be able to cling to him only as my identity instead of a job or title. I had to learn to be "Jennifer, daughter of the King of Kings" instead of any other earthly title. It was an incredibly grueling year of learning the endless list of acronyms in the Hawaii Department of Education (HIDOE) (don't believe me? Click here, seriously, take a look), figuring out how to piece together broken curriculum to match the new state standards, learning about the intricacies of a kindergartners development, and communicating clearly with co-teachers and parents. I LOVED it. I was incredibly fulfilled, and never once questioned whether or not I was in the right place. Yes, I questioned whether I'd make it through the year, but I KNEW I was doing exactly what I was born to do.

Then, the scene abruptly changed with the birth of Micah. I didn't slow down much during my pregnancy, so to suddenly be mainly housebound for a month with a newborn, I felt like I had just switched lives with someone.

Again, I see how the Lord prepared me for a smooth transition into motherhood. I've loved babies and children and worked with them for my whole life. To go from 23 kiddos under my watch, to one precious part of me and my husband, I felt like I was on vacation! Just to hold my sweet baby and watch him sleep was the most joyful and fulfilling experience of my life so far. When I would wake to feed him during the night, I was deliriously filled with bubbling happiness knowing that right then, right there, he was my only concern and responsibility, and that is what I had been made for.

When I married Jonathan, I would constantly tell him how happy I was to be married to him, I felt such joy in the wonder of where we were in life. While I continue to tell him this (the bliss has never waned), I get to add my pleasure of being a mother to that little habit. Having babies is definitely a marital upgrade :) I am falling deeper in love with the man I married as I watch him talk to, read, change, and play with our baby boy while working to provide for our family in such a determined and steady manner. To see such a ferocious tenderness rolled into one is the most beautiful and intoxicating sight I've every personally witnessed.

Throughout the past year, I can clearly see in all the changes that have come that God has extravagantly prepared us in every way for each new step. I was so incredibly humbled by each person that gave to help prepare the world and our home for Micah. The Holy Spirit clearly told me one day that Jesus LOVES children SO MUCH that he will always make sure the way is made ready for their entrance into the world, and so the birth of son was heralded by generosity and love from around the globe. He is SUCH a GOOD Father.

As I've watch all these things unfold, I have been given a gift. I have been given an explainable peace in God's timing and perfect provision, even when things go awry, because, OH, even as smooth as the things I've mentioned seem like they've been, a WHOLE mess of things were not going the way I wanted them to.

It has been the messy times that try my patience that make me stronger to prepare me for the next phase of life. After it's over, I can then see God's hand in it all.

I've witnessed this process so many times, I'm beginning to get excited about life's challenges, because it's in those times that I witness miracles in my personal life. The miracle of myself letting go of my control and comfort, and leaning into the Holy Spirit harder than I have before. I still say this, because it's true. The peace and joy I consistently find in my life is worth every bit of "uncertainty" I see in my life.

Nana and Papa come to town!

Two weeks after our precious baby boy was born, Jonathan's mom and dad had a chance to fly out to meet him. It was so exciting to have them here in Hawaii for the first time. This is first time that both my parents and Jonathan's parents have spent time together since our wedding, so I know they were also looking forward to getting to know each other better. We got to do a little bit of sightseeing with them, and as usual their time here was anything but boring, but filled with joy of a new member of the family and the wonder that comes from such a beautiful place.

It was definitely exciting to travel with a newborn baby. It meant for lots of driving breaks, so we could feed, burp, or change the baby while we were traveling. For me, it was definitely a wonderful break from the monotony of being in the house all the time. It certainly was a blur as I reflect on that week, as all these things were so new to me, and I was (and am) still getting to know this little man!

It was fun to bring Rob and Theresa to some of our favorite places to dine. Micah is a great traveler. He slept through most of our stops, and seemed to love snoozing to the sounds of people talking. :)

The furthest place on the island we went to was Southpoint, which is the southernmost point of United States. The geography in this area is incredible with the cliffs and deep blue water below.There usually is a group of daredevils jumping in the water. On this particular day however, the conditions were extremely windy and a bit chilly

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I was really impressed with Jonathan when we took his parents on a tour of the University of Nations campus. He walked them all around explaining the history and purpose of each building, I even learned a lot that day.

This was our first family outing to the beach. We took them to our favorite place Kua Bay. It is certainly one of the most picturesque beaches locally. I think it is safe to say they were having a really good time. :-)

On another day, we went to the northern part of the island so they could see the Pololu Valley.

He LOVES the Ergo Carrier. I highly recommend baby wearing.
Even on his fussiest days, this would immediately calm him.

Just seemed like a dream that our sweet baby
was finally with us!

We scoped our the Petroglyphs in Waikoloa. Here's more info. 

On Easter Sunday, we had the privilege of dedicating Micah to Jesus. It was such a special service, and so wonderful to have both sets of grandparents together. Here is the video if you'd like to watch!

 

We had such a wonderful time together. We were definitely spoiled by Rob and Theresa and Micah is sure to never forget all the love they gave him. 

We hope to see you in the near future. We love you so much!