A Struggle with Grace: Part 4

What if the point of grace is so we can go straight to the feet of Jesus with our sin stains smeared across our face and dripping from our hands? What if the biggest heart change happens if we go to the foot of the cross when we feel the LEAST WORTHY?

This is the real life me. I knew Jesus, I was trying to live like what I thought the Bible says, yet with the stench of death and defeat on everything I touch in life it was bound to infect me--destined to try and over take my better judgement and best hopes. I was STILL doubting and pouting because my life wasn't ideal. I was still ME FIRST in so so many sad ways.

When we moved, and the dust began to settle, I discovered I was HUNGRY. I needed way more for my heart and soul than I had ever been given or ever thought to ask for. While I confessed to know Christ, I didn't know ENOUGH--do we ever?

I was finally humble enough to ask for help and seek accountability. I saw that I am so sadly weak and wretched.

So I started to dig. I knew I needed people around me for accountability, and I needed to do some homework. I found the Genesis Process. It is a really beautiful tool to identify pain points in your life and get freedom from things that keep us in unhealthy cycles. I know there are ways to quit having babies, *har har*, but I needed to find something that would REALLY change me. This was a great start.

Jonathan and I agreed that before we thought about any more babies, we NEEDED marriage counseling. Not long after that conversation, we were invited to attend a 3 month class called, "Covenant Marriage" that totally reset our relationship and gave us healthy tools for communication. We announced to our class in the second month that baby #3 would be joining us later that year.

I started to panic again. What emotional terrors awaited me this time? What ugly side of myself would I have to face with this pregnancy?

God assured me that Pierce would be
a witness to the good work Christ is doing

I felt inspired to change my diet.I began feasting on the bread of life daily. I couldn't get enough, because I couldn't lose my junk fast enough. I did a big Beth Moore bible study that involved A LOT of homework (Thank you, Jesus, for women that speak truth!), and I met weekly with a few ladies to keep me accountable. I'm so thankful that I had that group to be connected to, it was literally a life line when I felt like I might drown.

It wasn't all smooth sailing, but I felt a difference in my response to situations. Ever heard of "putting on the full armor of God?" I'm laughing because it sounds so cliche, but I actually saw what happens when I did...

Pierce was born on September 27, 2017, and I was SOOO glad to not be pregnant anymore.